Tales Told By an Ohmnicent Narator
by Blanco Pagina
Summary: Many a tales to be told, only one kind-of diety to tell them. the Omnicent Narator, of course! Story about Sirius Black and Leia, the OC. possibly changing, depending on the O.N.'s mood. Sirius/OC, obviously. and guess what, she WONT. HAVE. SEX! bwahaha..
1. Prefull Talkingness

**HOLA! Or, I should say, BONJOUR! Eh. It does not work as well in french… saddness oh well.**

**So anyWHO, I need to introduce myself. I is being that which is known as the OHMNICENT NARATOR. Yes, I know that both words are spelled wrong. That is because of personal crazy-randomness, as well as for wrathful and legal purposes set on me by the ACTUAL Omniscient Narrator. Yes, there is a real one. He is fantastical, but he is not so much doing the writing fanfiction. He just is wise and stuff and helps with various stalkers that are sometimes problemic with fantastical peoples such as myself and PolkaDotFeathers. Yup, we have stalkers, you betcha! You know you is jealous….**

**So, anyWHERE, we be needing to get on with the story. So I shalt start it. Right now. As in, NOW. See? I is starting… \/ down there. Look. There is the story. I know, superfantasmagorical. And now is the part where you read. you be reading…**

[insert starting of story

Tales of/by an Ohmnicent Narator

By the Ohmnicent Narator

This story is about a Gryffindor. Actually, it is about one specific Gryffindor. But I will narrow it out as we go along. So right now I am talking about the Gryffindors in general.

Alright, the first thing that you need to know about the Gryffindors is that they like to PARTY. They drink, snog, and belt out various incomprehensible muggle songs. So, once the 3rd-and-below years go upstairs at ten, they are "all for one and one for all". And there are two people—who just happen to be in this prestigious house—who can party like none have partied before. These two are so good that they even loosened up _PROFFESOR MCGONNAGAL_ a few times! As in, not accidentally.

These two skilled fellows are James Potter and Sirius Black. They are flirting gods sent down from heaven, they are sex fiends sent up from hell. They are the Universe's way of saying "Hey there, guess what? You will NEVER beat that!" As one rather exuberant fan girl put it, "they are the CHEESE, man! Colby Jack, Sharp Cheddar, Cottage, Blue—you name it, they OWN it!"

People even define themselves by these two. "Oh, she's a potter" they will say about a shy girl. "A Black for sure" about that kinky girl who just came out of someone else's dorm. And the FAN CLUBS…they go _on _and _ON_….

That was how things USED to be, anyway. _Now_ they are different (obviously). It is just the Sirius Black Show now. James Potter, the flirtatious, charming, arrogant, smexy, delicious, all-that-is-goo-and-right-with-the-world GOD that we know and love, has been _snagged_. And let me tell you, the Fan Girls are not happy about this. Let's just say that the inescapable wrath of obsessors-gone-wrong should strike fear into one red-headed, fiery, temperamental bundle of joy commonly known as Lily Evans.

How did this happen, you ask? I know not. Maybe she charmed him. Maybe she drugged him. Maybe he was intoxicated by the fact that Lily Evans is practically the only girl James had ever met that didn't like him. In fact, she absolutely abhorred anything that had even the slightest thing to do with Potter in any way, shape, or form. But either way, Potter is struck, and Sirius is now expected to hold his own.

Now, let me tell you a bit about Sirius Black. (See this? This is me narrowing the subject, like I said I would. I be true to my word.) Sirius Black is a smart boy. That can't be denied; he really is. He aces all his classes and can prank you into next week. But for all his sneaking and tricks, Sirius Black does not understand subtlety. In this form, he is a complete and utter MORON.

He does not understand sarcasm, subtlety, or hints of any kind. He finds no hidden meanings in anything (except maybe sexual innuendoes), and if you try to give him body signals he will misinterpret your twitching and be on you like a llama in heat.

But for all his total obliviousness, he knows one thing better than anyone you, he, or I have ever met. It is what makes Sirius Black who he is. He does it better than, well, he does it better than even his best friend. Sure, James keeps girls longer. But Sirius goes thorough girls like toilet paper—no matter how much crap they have to catch from dealing with this ass-wipe, they keep rolling up in a queue to be next in his pants.

And what was this maaaaaaaaaaaagical ability that gained the respect (and jealousy) of every boy and destroyed the dignity of many a girl? Why, it was _sex_ of course! No matter what happens, Sirius always has sex, and people to do it with.

So WHY, you ask, does all of this pertain to each other? _Because_, my duckies, my dear readers, it is the start of a story. Sirius Black's story, in fact. It is the story of how, to whatever extent the boy is capable of, Sirius Black, erm, fell in love.

That "erm," by the way, was in no way cause of a spur-of-the-moment idea (it was). It was because I could not decide on my choice of wording (it wasn't). I know _exactly_ what is going to happen to the characters of this story (I don't). I don't just randomly write down stories and expect you to believe them (I do).

I am not JK Rowling (duh), but I am a figure of even greater importance (maybe in a world made for cheese…). I am the all-powerful OHMNICENT NARATOR (haha, thwarted again, Niobe's dad!)[insert evil cackle, lightning, thunder, theme music, and random streakers to scare away poseurs


	2. Ch1: All That Is Pantiefull And Fun!

So, the story has begun. And where else to start it than at the Gryffindor Common Room? Right in the middle of a _fantastic_ party, I might add. This is partially because Sirius managed to get James thoroughly drunk, and thus having his mind off of Lily and more on the party. Lily, of course, is not very happy about this; but we can't all be happy all the time. It wouldn't be fair! So Lily is just going to have to deal with everyone being drunk. Even Remus, mildly. _Mildly_, I must impose, mildly. He's had only two butterbeers and no firewhiskey at all, so he is sober enough to keep his friend company. They are pretty much the only two clear-headed people here, except for another girl. This girl's name? Erm, well, I am not sure on that part yet. I mean, no one actually ever talks to her, so how am I supposed to know? GOB, I'm only one Narator! But it doesn't matter anyway, because this girl is basically completely unimportant in this story except for one thing that she does. She just happens to walk in on Sirius shagging someone.

Now, you have to understand, this is not an abnormal thing. You would be lucky _not_ to stumble upon at least one of his flings at some point or another. It's not like they're uncommon, and it's not like he makes much of an effort to hide them, either. He doesn't even lock the doors, for Bob's sake! No, Sirius has no thoughts for privacy or anything of the sort. His little rendezvous' are usually discovered several times whether he makes an effort or not, so why bother? That's his theory, anyway. Maybe he just is a magnet for chicks. Maybe people go looking for him. Either way, today he was stumbled upon, and for once he was offended by it.

"Now, really, can't a bloke have a good shag without someone jumping in on them every two minutes?" This was the fifth time that day that someone had walked in on him, and, being thoroughly drunk and angry with James again, he was quite worked up. "What does it take to get some _privacy_ around here?!" Sirius pushed past the girl and walked out into the Common Room, comfortably in absolute starkers (but, as usual, oblivious to the obvious…).

Silence fell immediately. Even at a Gryffindor party it was at least mildly unusual for someone to streak. The quiet held for a moment, before everyone went back to what they were doing. Why should they be bothered if someone wanted to be nude? Bring on the freedom! (This was the 70's after all, so they really did not have as much of a problem with such things.)

Everyone but Lily and Remus, that is. Over in their corner talking about the theory of the Patronus Charm, they only looked up when total hush enveloped the room. Nothing was more suspicious. And it looked like they were right. Someone—and none other than the great Sirius Black, of course—was standing in front of now open doorway babbling on about shagging and privacy and whatnot. Meh, they might as well go take care of it.

Remus, with Lily shortly behind him, walked quickly over to where Sirius was standing, clearly exasperated with his friend. "Sirius, why don't you come with me?" He hissed. Not his usual nature, but _really_ a wizard could only take so much!

"No, I don't think I will." Sirius said with a grin, winking at a girl with straying eyes. "Streaking sounds pretty fun right now."

"Sirius, if you do not come upstairs with us right now, so help me I will drag you there by your toes! On your _stomach_!" Lily glared at him, fire sparking in her eyes. Although Sirius knew no subtlety, he understood THIS implication. It was the Lily Look.

Sirius knew that look. It was a dangerous look, and only Minerva's glower could match it. He knew when he was bested. Oh well, it was a good plan either way.

But before any of them could go anywhere, one of the Quiditch players, Emmeline Vance, ran up behind Sirius and smacked him on the ass.

She whistled at him before speeding across the room, knocking down various people and objects in the process. Em was being chased by another girl who, seeing her chase slow down, jumped over several chairs and a ferret to get to her target.

**I, the Ohmnicent Narator, just happened to know the name of this fear-inducing character. It is Leia, and she is very important to this story. Leia is what you would call an OC—or "other character", if you're not familiar with Fanfiction terminology—because, well, she is not exactly part of the Marauder's story that you knows and loves. But for right now we are going to pretend that she is a part of their story. Because right now this isn't their story. It's my story. I'm telling it. See that title? Yeah, that's **_**my**_** name!**

So, we get back to the story, and at this point Leia has now reached the one Ms. Vance, who sacrificed her freedom for a simple smack on a bare rump.

**Now, "why", you ask, is Leia chasing Ms. Vance? Well, Ms. Vance happens to have stolen something of Leia's that is very important to her. "What is this", you ask? Well, "This is something that I WOULD tell you about, except that it would completely destroy the flow of the story. Because right now there is a very nice flow, all soft and bubbly like a brook, and if I tell you what Ms. Vance stole from Leia, then you would become a dam that ruins the river and all of its beautiful creatures. Shame on you.**

"Give. It. BACK, Em!" Ah, Leia's more loud and violent nature has interrupted my musings. Lets us see what mayhem is being caused.

Leia has caught Ms. Vance around the waist, trapping her target's arms in the process as well.

Sirius, who has been brought to attention by the sudden sting in his arse, watches the two girls squabble. After all, nothing was more fun than girl fights, plus they might be fighting over something even more funner.

Sirius is not disappointed.

"Come on! You are being completely unfair!" Leia attempts to keep Ms. Vance under a hold, but the other girl's quiditch muscles prevailed.

Ms. Vance jumped away from Leia and pulls out her wand. A smart move, actually. Or, it would be, if she didn't do what she did next.

"You mean THESE?!" With evident glee, the girl wiggles her wand in a magical-like fashion, and on the tip of it pops a small pair of black lace undies.

"Em, they aren't MINE!" Leia screeches, thoroughly exasperated as she attempts to snatch the undergarment to safety.

"Oh, really? Then whose are they?" Ms. Vance jumps easily out of the other girl's reach, dangling the panties tauntingly.

"I _CONFISCATED_ them from some first year boys!" Leia is now puffing with effort to keep up with her friend.

"Right, _after_ they managed to get them off of you!" Ms. Vance laughs a slightly crazy laugh, and jumps on a table. This is not a smart thing to do, however, for in it Leia gleans the opportunity to pull out her friend's legs. Ms. Vance lands now in shock on her rump, and Leia grabs the garment, raising it triumphantly. It is then immediately snatched away from behind.

Leia turns around, fury once again building. But upon this turn she finds a one Sirius Black holding up the panties with a smug, amused, "oh this is gonna get so much worse" smirk on his devilishly handsome face.

**Okay, yes, I, the Ohmnicent Narator, **_**do**_** have a thing for Sirius Black. Yes, his face is devilishly handsome, and yes, that little insert was from me. But from here on out, all compliments made to either Leia or Sirius come from each other. It is THEIR sick thoughts I am invading and projecting for the whole freaking world to view, not my own. Mostly.**

"Give. Them. Back." Leia manages to say through her clenched teeth. She could deal with one of her girl friends taking such things, but there was NO WAY she would let _Sirius Black_ touch her personal belongings, whether they originally belonged to her in the first place or not.

Sirius makes a "tch"ing noise and stretches out the underwear in front of him, examining them expertly form all angles. "Good hold, strong but light, and flow fabric; good underwear. Where'd you get 'em, Lei?"

"Okay, first of all, only my friends can call me Lei, and you are most certainly not my friend—"

"Aw, Lei, that hurt me inside!" Sirius stops examining the panties for a moment to mockingly clutch his hands over his heart and gives her a cute, wide-eyed look.

Yes, Leia can admit it is cute. But that doesn't stop it or him from being annoying as hell.

"_Second_, I don't_ know_ where they're from since they were _confiscated_ by me, not _purchased_ by me—"

"Well, that's not nice; taking underwear from innocent little kids."

Leia shoots him a look. "Judging by the way these two boys probably got a hold of the underwear, I highly doubt that they were all that innocent."

Sirius just shrugs at this; she is completely right.

"and last," she continued, "GIVE ME BACK THAT UNDERWEAR!" with this sentiment she tackles Sirius, actually managing to take him down due to the annoyance and anger built up in her and the surprise of Sirius at this annoyance and anger built up in her.

They land in a pile on the ground, the underwear strewn aside. This _might_ have ended up as a sort of romantic position, especially on Sirius' part, except that Sirius was still starkers and until that point Leia had not been aware of this.

She immediately scrambles off of him, not taking any care to avoid his sensitive parts.

"Why in bloody hell are you STARKERS?!"

Sirius rolls his eyes. "You really didn't notice?"

"No!"

"Well, why bloody not?"

"Because I am one of those few people who actually look at people's _FACES_ when I speak to them! And NOT everywhere else!"

"That's silly. What's the point of talking to people unless you use it as an excuse to stare at them?"

"Well I'm sure _you_ stare at people whether you are talking or not."

"_Exactly_! I mean, why talk when you can wank? Or, if you must talk to someone, what is the point of it unless you are asking them to shag?"

"Oh, I don't know…maybe because it is a great way of communication and doesn't involve the exchange of various bodily fluids?"

"Well I don't have a problem with exchanging bodily fluids." Sirius stands up and dusts off, making sure to get everything off his nicely sculpted arse. (Leia's thoughts, not mine…mostly)

"Then become a blood donor!" Leia snaps.

Leia begins to walk around the room, gathering various items that a vengeful Em had strewn everywhere. Sirius follows her, now intrigued by this girl who was so objectionable to intercourse.

"I don't get it. Do you have a problem with sex or something?" Sirius asks, trailing behind her. Leia took advantage of his distraction to shove a large basket in his hands, partially to use his help in collecting half her possessions, mostly to hide his very distracting…Sirius-ness. Resisting the urge to look at him, she concentrates on digging up her things and finding an answer to his question.

Finally she answers, "I don't have a problem with sex." Yes, best to stick to simple sentences that barely address anything. One part of Leia—which she fought desperately to suppress—insisted that she was giving short answers so he would stay interested and ask more questions, and then she would get to hear more of that beautiful, seductive voice that befallen so many others. Leia then gives herself a mental slap and attempts to think of other things than that beautiful chest…yummmmm….No! BAD Leia! **Yes, BAD LEIA says ON. Hehe, just kidding! Actually I was the one that mentally slapped her, but mental violence is always fun…I couldn't resist.**

Oh, now Sirius is talking again. She really needs to pay attention.

**And I, the Ohmicent Narator, think that Leia needs to pay attention. Because when you pay attention to people, you learn things about people. Sirius is paying attention to Leia, but she is avoiding paying any attention to him at all costs. Once she begins to pay attention, all shalt be well!**

"Oh, you don't have a problem with sex, do you? Somehow, I doubt that." Sirius doesn't believe her at all, obviously, but despite that he still wants to keep talking to her, and to watch that flushed face fly through so many beautiful emotions. **ON: Awwwwww!**

**Okay, so, my Ohmicent-ness took a bit from Edward's thoughts on Bella in Twilight. But he **_**still**_** likes her flustered-ness and her crazy emotions. Of course, he hasn't seen her PMS yet…but he will…evil cackle**

"No, really, I don't have a problem with sex. I don't know what would give you that idea." For once the sarcasm is not lost on Sirius, much to the delight of Leia.

"I don't know. Maybe that part where you are _completely_ and _totally_ against it! God, Lei, just admit it. Denial never got anyone anywhere."

Leia sighs. This conversation is steadily becoming pointless. "Is there anything you actually want from me? Besides the opportunity to annoy me to death?"

Sirius pauses for a moment. There is something that he _wants_ to say, but he might get slapped if he does. Eh, might as well have fun, his reckless side—which is pretty much dominant—says. **Actually that is I, the Ohmicent Narator, speaking to him. I do that sometimes.**

"Sex." **This comment, tic tac sized though it was, is a detonator. It is a detonator for a set of pipe bombs planted at the beginning of this relationship. And this detonator, this comment, has just been set off. Now let's watch the pretty lights!**

Leia immediately drops the basket in shock. **gasp what shall she do?! Let's find out….**

"I don't have sex. Ever." **gasp! What is this?! NOT have sex!? Blasphemy! **Apparently Sirius is just as surprised.

"You don't have sex? That's crazy! Why the hell not?!" Sirius is really extremely alarmed that someone actually refused him sex, and he does nothing to hide his anguish. Sirius is just an idiot like that.

"I just _don't_."

"_Why_, though? It's not like there isn't anyone to have it with."

"Sure, there are people to have it with, but none of those people are the _right person_." Leia straightens, basket in hand. She grabs Sirius's basket and walks towards the girl's dorm, still not looking at him. Evidently she is still embarrassed or uncomfortable with this topic. Well, Sirius isn't one to leave a subject hanging, so of course he chases after her.

"What do you mean by 'the right person'?"

Leia stops and turns to him, evidently deciding to finish the conversation then and there. No need to have loose ends hanging.

"I mean, I don't want to have sex with anyone except the one that I am in a solid relationship with, and I will _ know_ that we are in a solid relationship when he is willing to be with me without us having sex."

Maybe it is the girl, maybe it is the fact that Sirius is actually trying to understand something for once, but either way Sirius actually gets what Leia meant in that complicated explanation.

"And how will you know that he is really willing to have a relationship without sex?"

"If I told you, then I'd have to kill you." She smiles hat him then, in a bright true way of hers, and Sirius is suddenly struck with an idea. Okay, so, it is kind of an obvious idea. But you have to give him credit. After all, new ideas mean he is actually thinking for once." But what if _I_ asked you out?"

Leia was completely unsurprised by this conclusion—it was really inevitable.

"Then I suppose, to be polite, I would have to accept. But that doesn't guarantee anything. I'm not going to have sex with you after one date."

"Well maybe sex isn't my aim." (Leia raises an eyebrow at this.) Sirius leans forward until he is barely a few inches away from her face, almost close enough to kiss her. "And maybe it is. But either way, I absolutely plan on going on more than one measly date."

Leia gulps, obviously unsettled by his closeness. But then she regains her nerve. "Fine then; your funeral." She raises an eyebrow at him again, daring him to go further.

Sirius leans in further, until their noses are almost touching. He looks down at Leia's plump lips, feeling himself getting turned on, then up into her eyes. It's an intense moment. Then Sirius breaks off the contact (before he loses the little amount of self control he has salvaged) and leans in further to whisper in her ear. "This Saturday, eleven o' clock, astronomy tower."

Leia, whose breathing had rapidly sped at the closeness, could only nod. And so she does nod, with Sirius's lips brushing her ear before he withdrew, sending pleasant tingles down her spine. Leia schools her face blank, however, and watches carefully as Sirius steps back and walks gracefully up to the boys' dormitories.

As soon as he turns on the staircase, Emmeline runs over to interrogate Leia. But Leia (like any sane person) does not wish to be cross-examined, so she speaks as soon as her friend arrives.

"He asked me out. I accepted. Sirius Black is going to be a _rotten ferret carcass_ by the time I'm done with him." Leia drops the facial façade for a moment to flash Em an wicked grin, then runs gleefully up the girls' dormitory stairwell.

Em walks over to where Remus and Lily are again sitting, and joins them, suddenly spent.

"Sirius is in _such_ deep shite." Em doesn't look at the other two, but they know she is talking to them.

"Isn't he always?" Remus replies.

"Yeah, but he just asked out Leia."

Lily looks at Em sharply, registering who she was talking about. "You mean Leia from our dorm?" Em nods. "Well, buggers. Sirius is in for it now."

"I don't get it." Remus is confused again at the girl talk that for once went over his head. **Remus **_**does**_** know Leia, but he only really knows her as a fellow prefect. He doesn't actually know her capabilities.**

"Oh, you'll get it soon." Em replies.

"Yes, you will get it." Lily agrees. "Oh, you _will._"


End file.
